Male Mentality

This explains it all.

Wow, this is a difficult topic to respond to.
Okay, time to vomit some opinions… Beware, this might be a little harsh (or too real) for some of the younger audience of this forum (be it young in age or mind ^_^).

First off, a little bit of how I define marriage, or the 3 different aspects of it: ceremony (the wedding), legal contract, and lifestyle. It’s hard to discuss marriage itself without specifying a little.

- First off, The Ceremony:
I’m not a big fan of the whole 100+ people weddings in which the couple invites as many people as they can to watch them in their day of glory. “Come visit us so we can feel good about ourselves (and at the same time, give us some recognition…or even presents)” is the feeling I get from superficial marriages like that. I know of several women who flashed their $20,000 ring for 2-3 months in a row and intentionally emphasized the words “Husband,” “Wife,” or the change of her last name. I do know that the concept of a union for some women is a special moment in their lives in which they get to fulfill a dream that they may have had since childhood, but a question arises: Does anything change after marriage? Do the couples love each other more? Is there a special Boolean attribute that switches after marriage to turn them into different people?

My belief is that the ceremony is a tradition that symbolizes the union and is a simple method of communicating said union. For me, I’m happy with a marriage that consists of nothing more than my immediate family and a handful of friends. I do not need to reach into conversations and speak of my new marital state. “Look at me! I’m married!” I do believe however, it is a very romantic time to symbolize our unison (completely separate from a legal standpoint), and spend a day of celebration to remember the time I swore to the world that I would stand by this person for as long as I have strength to breathe (even though said declaration might have happened at an earlier point, I would consider it a formality to state to both parents and close friends that I am ready to devote my life to another person’s happiness and our life together henceforth).

So as far as marriage goes, I think it’s simply a beautiful way of celebrating or creating a commemorative moment in a couple’s relationship to signify their union. Throughout the process of dating and engagement, I think couples are still learning and discovering about how to live with one another and how their partner is really like underneath their skin. Some people require lots of time, while others are more easily convinced. So if I think back when I’m 40 or 60, I would probably want to say I was married X years ago rather than I started dating her/him X years ago.

So in conclusion, I’d have to say I hate the concept of modern marriage where it is all for show and no content. Spending thousands of dollars on a single day seems somewhat unorthodox and foolish, while expecting everything to go perfect. I keep hearing about women/men complaining about their horror stories during their wedding. How things were not perfect, how the punch was not the right color, how the brides maids weren’t all dressed the same… It’s not about the bride; it’s not about the groom; it’s about the unison of the two. So perhaps some of you on the forum are turned off to the concept of marriage because of what you are used to seeing and how people act in this country. But just because some couples are superficial and some weddings are gaudy, it doesn’t mean that marriage is a bad thing. Sure marriage can be seen negatively by what we see today in the media and how relationships are handled by our esteemed celebrities, but I think it’s important to establish your own definition of marriage and not let it become tainted by the views and actions of others. In essence, if you don’t like what it is now, and think it can be different… why not try to preserve the sanctity of marriage? *Note: I am referring to both heterosexual and homosexual marriages, I believe it is not fair to exclude homosexual marriages from the ceremonial aspect just because it is not legal yet in some states.*

- Now onto the legal contract:
There are several beneficial legal amenities that a couple can receive when married: Joint tax filing, joint income (unless they signed a prenuptial agreement), and social recognition. Some people see marriage as just this, a contract… while others see marriage as just the ceremony (usually men feel of it as a contract and women see the ceremony). As per recognized by the state/country that one may live in, marriage signifies a legal bond in which the state assumes the two of these individuals are not simply bonded by feelings a but also a strong sense of responsibility and duty. I believe many marriages fail because of the rapid assumption that marriage is just about feeling, but I will tackle this a little bit later.

When people enter marriage as a binding contract alone there may be some problems. First off I believe that things do change a little after marriage. Not because of the fact that they are married, but because they begin to see how their spouse reacts to responsibilities and harsh situations. So when people enter marriage simply because of the change in marital status, the happiness they get from being seen as better or having a stronger relationship than another, or when it is just for the legal bond while leaving the relationship aside, I believe that they might later on find something missing in their lives or come to the discovery that their partner was not what they thought they were like. The phrase “you weren’t the man/woman I married” or “…the man/woman I used to love” comes to mind when people jump a little prematurely into something as complex as marriage.

Of course, that is not to say that people can’t have such an amazing bond and willingness to compromise that they may be able to figure things out on the run. For me, I am a terrible control freak and panic when things come to me when unprepared. I tend to spend days and weeks on simple matters while others may know how to react in a heart beat. Unfortunately I am cursed with this hard-headedness and tend to over-analyze things to a point where I even sometimes remove the romantic feeling behind it all. But I do this to avoid running into future problems such as not being able to support the woman I love. A little bit more about worrying about the future at the end.


- About the married lifestyle:
Some things to take into consideration when talking about marriage is the life that follows…When talking about marriage, too often is only the ceremonial or legal bind is taken into account while the question about why one is getting married or what the married couple wants is completely bypassed. It seems that people think of marriage as just another stage in our life in which we get a larger period of time to fornicate or a pesky state where one is obligated to live their regular life alongside another person… Living together while having to compensate for everything you want to do, for the other person’s happiness.

I believe this is where many couples go wrong. Confusing sexual attraction or hormonal infatuation with true love is a very dangerous assertion. So is misinterpretation of the concept of marriage as some state needed to progress to a new level of a relationship. The real fact is: people don’t change after marriage, they simply come to different realizations or they didn’t show all of themselves or all aspects of their mind and attitude while dating or through engagement.

People who realize that there is no such thing as a single person fated for another person, or that marriage is not a proof to other people of your love for another but mere statement, may live a more enlightened and enjoyable married life. Sometimes it is important to realize that love doesn’t grow on trees but from effort and heart. You need to work on your relationship as one would carefully prune a bonsai tree. Couples can’t expect to rush into a relationship with nothing but blind lust to turn out to be the same several years down the road. They shouldn’t also blame the other if they fail when they realize life has its difficult moments. Perhaps this ignorance and childishness leads to a high level of divorce. I’m not saying that American couples are more ignorant or childish when it comes to a relationship; rather, I think that the American lifestyle and media hype up the popular belief that life is about sex, fun, and childish dreams (even though it is fun to have the previous). As founding blocks of a complex weave of a couple’s lives, I believe that sometimes blind love may not be enough.

The topic of “compatibility” came up a little earlier on someone else’s post. I do agree that to a certain extent, love could be a simple matter of compatibility; I mean, look at eHarmony and Chemistry.com’s selling points…they say they match people to you by compatibility and completely remove a whole stage in a couple’s life. It’s as if you were hunting for quail in a cage when your prey is tied down to the ground (sorry Cheney). Removing the chase from the hunt may make things easier on a global scale, and if you cant find a partner who also finds it sexually stimulating to crucify chickens while dancing on a table with fruit on your head while singing “let me ride that donkey”… then maybe you need some help searching. BUT!!! I do still believe that there is a little bit more to love than just raw compatibility. There has to be a certain “spark,” something that makes you want to help, want to be there for him/her…wanting to make him/her happy, and enjoying those blissful times. I believe its not just about matching but also about the willingness to work at it while enjoying each other, while having a raw desire to do nothing but display your feelings over and over and over again no matter how hard life gets and no matter how the outside world goes. This is what I believe to be the true meaning of love (but not necessarily true love).


About Children:
I do kind of understand the viewpoint of children ruining relationships. It is not easy to raise a child (or more than one child). It gets even harder when the surrounding times are hard. Living a married life in which a child consumes most of your time can easily be viewed negatively from one who does not have a child of their own (note: I don’t have kids yet). But I think that when a married couple manages to manifest their love through a child, the most beautiful thing happens. No longer are we the most important thing in the world. No longer are we self-centered to the point where all we care about is my own wellbeing and happiness. No longer are the boundaries of our love closed in between the two lovers. Suddenly there is something even more important and beautiful. It is another reason to keep giving and keep sharing those happy moments that make up our precious memories.

I do realize that this isn’t always the case. Not always a bed of roses but yes, kind of like a box of milk chocolates when you are lactose intolerant. Sometimes life can throw a brick or two at your marriage with things like unplanned children, bankruptcy, or unemployment. But I do not believe that this necessarily has to be blamed on the children. Sure, one can be bothered by the whining brat in the supermarket that keeps screaming at the mother for candy…and the mother just desperately tries to ignore him. Or even those long trips on the airlines next to a breastfeeding mother whose poor child just can’t scream loud enough. It is easy to find the unglamorous moments of having to wake up at 3 am before a long work day to change the diapers of a child. But so goes the cycle of parenthood. As a parent, we will all go through ups and downs in which we will span from wanting to hug our cute little ones all day long to wanting to cry from the stress they cause. But in the end, nothing will supersede the love one can have for their son/daughter.

Back on topic: the child isn’t necessarily to blame when a marriage is broken from having kids. I also believe that some people just aren’t meant to have children, but still do. I know that there are people out there that don’t even deserve to have children and shouldn’t even be legally allowed near a young one. And for those who are unprepared or unwilling to share something beautiful with your wife/husband, perhaps it’s for the best. I have relatives who have been in and out of marriages with children from different fathers/mothers; I’ve seen what happens to these broken families and watched as they suffered through their upbringing. It is a sad day when I have to look at their faces and see how they weren’t given an opportunity to have a loving father or mother. I don’t feel it’s fair that they are deprived from the care of two loving parents (be it a heterosexual or homosexual couple). But then again, there is nothing we can do about it either than prevent this from happening with our own lives. So prematurely judging a child as a factor in the ruining of matrimony might be a little harsh.


Be warned, some stereotyping ahead:

Many women grow up fantasizing about their ideal mate and the ceremony of marriage where they get to stand at the altar, above everyone else in their white beautiful clothes. Sometimes this hurts the concept of marriage and they may be prone to accepting into marriage before completely thinking about the future. In other words, some women might accept into a marriage just because they have the opportunity of getting married rather than getting married for the sake of love. In order to compensate for this, men are usually very careful with the term “marriage” and try not to loosely throw the word around women. Of course this isn’t always the case.

Within this country, it seems as if couples get married a little too soon, or get married for the wrong reasons. Getting married just to be able to explore more about your partner may not be the best decision. I’m not saying “go out and do as many people as you can” or “go play the field before you settle down”. What I am saying is that some people may jump into marriage just because it allows them to explore more about each other. By doing this it implies that they did not know some things about their partner that they should have before getting married. This here is what I believe is causing a high divorce rate. *Note: This is just my opinion… and it’s only my best estimated guess*

About worrying of the future:
(If marriage is treated too physically without the metaphysical)

Some of the things that plague men and women’s minds before marriage are as follows, but definitely not limited to:
How will our lives be while married? Will he/she still love me 20 years later?
What will we do if something happens? What if we have an unexpected child? What if our child dies? What if he/she turns out to be a delinquent? What if he/she has down-syndrome? What if our spouse dies? What if he/she cheats on me? What will I do if I don’t have enough money to support us? What if he/she changes to a point where they are lazy or don’t care about me? What to do if the spouse looks at other men/women? What will we do if one of us gets arrested? What if we get something stolen? How will he/she react in times of peril? Will he/she be able to keep it up for the sake of our children?

And people like me worry about things like these before getting married. Sometimes I even worry about how to prepare my defined contribution retirement plan even though I’m still in college w/ student loans to pay. But sometimes it is simply best to think of ways to plan out an open life instead of controlling too much. And sometimes it’s crucial to not forget that there are really harsh matters to deal with during and after matrimony and to realize that there are ways to avoid them. Balance is the key: From relationship to matrimony to the lifetime that follows, it is important to find balance.
Maybe this method of thought is somewhere in between Taoist and Zen Buddhist… ^_^

Ending thoughts:
Marriage is a very serious topic and not to be taken lightly. To me, it is a proof of my devotion and loyalty (just like avwolf stated… I really like how he said it).

“This world is made of Love and Peace!” -Vash the Stampede-


-Kuro-
P.S: sorry for the length.